My letter to Santa.
ATTENTION: YULETIDE BUREAU
As you know, I have given great thought to my Christmas wish this year. I hope I have made your ‘NICE LIST”, as my wish is in the form of a favor.
Since I am awake, due to insomnia from the IV Solumedrol infusion I received yesterday afternoon, I thought it was a good time to write you. I guess I didn’t need to tell you that, since you see me when I am sleeping and you know when I am awake! LOL:)
Sometimes the lessons we need to learn to grow our soul and faith come in the most unexpected forms. I have realized the truth of this and am doing my best to rely on my faith, to celebrate the love and support I receive and do my best to face my adversity.
Santa, I have to be totally naked in my honesty here. As Head Elf, embodied with the Spirit of -now here’s my word finding problem rearing its head… It means to love without qualifying, or judging. Can’t remember how to say it Santa, but you get me. How could anyone ever imagine they would get a disease where your immune system attacks your brain?!
I mean if my brain isn’t working right, nothing works right. That’s a hard thing Santa. We are talking TOUGH challenge here!
Santa, you know this. You have been watching. I don’t have to explain because you have lived it with me. Yeah, I’m totally on the “NICE LIST”.
Sorry, attention span problems, back to my favor.
But… I have practiced daily random acts of kindness for many years…attention span problems again and worries I might not make the cut for that ‘Nice List’.
Santa, this disease has created personality changes that are not the heart of me. It has taken ME away before with episodes of psychosis twice now. I am inside. In my heart, buried deep, I am ME. People were not able to see ME when my brain disease flared in this way, but YOU could!
Sorry, I will try to stay on topic. Attention Span problems, but YOU know this.
Okay, forgot what I was going to say! LOL. Wait, I’ll reread this and write my main point on a sticky note so I can member my wish. Why am I telling you that? YOU see me. YOU realize everything.
Ok. Wait. Yes. I am back. Got it! My Christmas wish! (That is what I wrote on the sticky note. Oops, sorry, forgot. Don’t need to tell you that.)
I am having a problem with worry for my future. I have now faced FEAR. I have stared it down. I have survived. I get scared sometimes. YOU know I do. My faith and spiritual beliefs sustain me; through them, I draw my courage and do my best to surrender my fear.
This brings me to that favor I mentioned. My Christmas wish.
Gosh, Santa, I need your help.
By the way, Jim says guys like peanut butter cookies and oatmeal raisin the best so we will be leaving those out in their usual place by the Cocoa. Feel free to use the copper pot I leave out for you to warm up your Cocoa in case you find yourself running late. Oh, the carrots for the Reindeer are grown by local farmers- I am adding some lovely fresh pears this year…
But, you know that too… Sorry…..
What was I going to say? Oh, right! My Christmas Wish:)
You’ll find an envelope by your night time snack. I’ve enclosed all my fears and worries inside. Could you kindly take them from me? That is my Christmas wish.
And when you make your leave, by the way I LOVE that time suspension magic you do- very cool!!
When your laughter rings out within and around our home, a bit of Christmas Spirit Magic to infuse laughter, Joy, and that kind of love I can’t remember the name of …within our home, our hearts and my brain where my fears and worries once were- well, adding your love and laughter to mine..that’s a powerful infusion! Exactly what is needed to receive the appreciation of each day.
My family and I laugh a lot Santa. YOU know. My laughter helps Jim and Matthew. Their laughter helps me. And so it goes….
Should you find other letters written by people with Autoimmune Encephalitis, whether they be drawings by children, a single word, or simply the breath of fear blown inside an envelope and sealed, my wish is that you take these too and leave your laughter.
Oh, make yourself at home as long as you would like Santa. The weather across the Northern Hemisphere is projected to be quite cold. There are extra blankets in the hall closet. Help yourself. When you are working your way across the Southern Hemisphere and get to Sarah’s house in New Zealand, since it is Summer there and you won’t need them any longer, you can leave the blankets with her and she’ll get them back to me on her next visit;)
Pleasant trip and God speed.
(Originally written on: December 17, 2014)